I was always a victim of bullying at school. Some kids used to think that I was a deformed human being due to my scoliosis. However, I didn’t pay too much attention to what they were saying; it kind of sucks that I have to deal with them every day emotionally. At times, I get tired of trying to explain to these individuals what my condition is. Others are seemed open and aware of it. At the same time, few don’t want to educate themselves. I am not comfortable with other people’s help, so I would rather isolate myself most of the time. I believe that my troubles are mine and alone.
Honestly, as much as I want to stay positive and just let it go, I somehow feel trapped. My whole life, I had to deal with different people who didn’t seem to care about what I was going through. And the worse part of that is I am beginning to believe that what everybody thinks of me is my reality. But fortunately, after talking to my therapist, she said I shouldn’t feel bad about my condition. My healthcare provider asked me to examine my mental and emotional state because she thinks I might be too hard on myself. Here’s how she confidently managed to identify that.
I Always Allow People To Bully Me – There is nothing much I can do with my current condition. I don’t see myself in such positive light. Perhaps that is the reason why I sometimes spit out some stupid statements such as “I am not worthy of living.” I allowed people to constantly bully me because I didn’t think that my feelings would matter. I hold on to this mentality that I don’t deserve to be friends with anyone at school because soon after, I know they will leave me. It is weird, but I just let others say mean things to me because that’s what I am used to. Besides, what they are saying is sometimes partially true, like “You’re ugly,” “You look disgusting,” “You look like you struggled your whole life with scoliosis” Surely, those are hurtful words, but I know deep down those are the truth I need to live with.
I Neglect Taking Care Of Myself – My therapist said that I possibly hate myself because I neglect to take care of it. I could deny it immediately because I wouldn’t consider therapy if I had bad blood between myself. However, when I think of it, the habits I do and my lifestyle can tell otherwise. With the anxiety and emotional distraught caused by some people around me who used to view my physical condition negatively, I can’t help but lose focus. I admit I don’t sleep well, eat right, and do not exert any effort to look nice for myself. I already forgot how to smile and genuinely make myself happy. I refuse to pamper myself because soon enough, others would immediately cut that pleasant feeling I give to myself.
I Don’t Acknowledge My Achievements – I don’t brag, but I know I am intelligent. I am good at Math, and I am probably one of the most articulate students in our class. But unfortunately, I do not feel proud about it. And no matter how far I often made it to the top, and despite my ability to single-handedly accomplish things, I still feel not worthy enough. I grapple with feelings of self-loathing because I am dealing with a physical condition that takes away my confidence. Don’t get me wrong, I do not self-sabotage, and I am not planning to do it ever. However, I still hold onto the negative view of myself. I am aware of my skills, but I can’t find the right courage to appreciate myself. I would rather not expose myself to avoid becoming a constant target of physical, emotional, and mental torture.
I Am My Own Worst Enemy – I often pressure myself to excel at something due to my scoliosis. It sometimes suffocates me because I find it unnecessary for my mental and emotional health. I dislike my current self, which is why I can probably say tons of negative things about myself. Tearing myself down has become a daily habit, and I often stick to the insecurities inside of my head. I am quick to blame myself for every bad thing happening, and I take all the responsibility even if it is not my fault. I feel hate towards myself whenever things go wrong because I believe it is all because of me. I often criticize myself for every bit of mistake I make because that’s what people say. Every time I look in the mirror, all I see is a reflection of a girl who has scoliosis, which is unworthy of love, care, and attention.